Friendships

Friends. They help us in the bad times and rejoice in the good. They can make our lives bearable, convince us that we are worth something when all we want to believe is the opposite. I love friendships. True friendships last a lifetime. While there are perhaps few of these, they are probably the most important measure of a life well lived. In the end it's only the extent to which we have touched the lives of our friends that matters. Only they may say who we truly are, and if we have lived a good life.

My trip to Boston was really all about friendships. Friendships that were ending, changing, and beginning. I felt overwhelmed by emotions. I wanted to cry about those that I knew were ending, that had to end. Mourning for those lost friendships is part of the process of letting go. This is where I found myself. Those friendships that were in the midst of change were more complicated. Change is never easy for anyone. No matter how much we are convinced that change is for the best, we still cling to what is familiar. Change hurts and yet at the same time it is refreshing. Finally, I made some new friends. I know that only time will tell how deep these friendships will be, but I hope and believe that they have the capacity to grow and blossom. I was truly happy to realize that there are still people out there who are genuine.

So this post is dedicated to those who still believe in the strength of friendship, to those who are willing to take the chance to trust another, to those who are willing to reach out and touch someone's life. Thanks Chris and Collin, you helped me remember just what friendship is and that it's not always a mistake to trust.

The Balancing Act

When I was little I loved going to the circus. Besides the clowns and animals, I always found it no less than thrilling to watch the balancing act. It usually consisted of one person walking across a thin cord that was placed so high I would have to sit on someone's shoulders just to see. Slowly, cautiously, the woman would walk. One foot in front of the other, steadily, consistently. Each time the cord shook there was an audible gasp from the audience. She would pause, regain balance, take a deep breath, and continue.
Sometimes I feel as though my life is the high, thin cord, and I am the girl walking across. One step at a time, I try to balance school work, horseback riding, working out, developing and maintaining friendships, everything. On ocassion I place too much emphasis on one of these, and I can hear my friends "gasping" in an effort to help me in my walk. Since I have moved to Waco I have paused in my effort to get to the end of the cord. My feet became shaky in a new environment. The pressure to perform made my muscles tired. There was too much to balance, too long of a way to go. However, like all good tight rope walkers, I re-evaluated and slowly, surely regained balance. It doesn't mean that my cord may never again catch me off balance, but simply that for the moment I am steady. I am learning to enjoy what life gives me in each moment. Moving on from that second of insecurity is a choice. Moving toward happiness is a choice. So, for now all I have to do is take a deep breath and place one foot in front of the other.

God Only Knows

It's odd how things change in life. I was in my car today thinking about how just a year ago I would have never seen myself here at Baylor. I guess old Mr. Franklin had it right when he said, "The only things that are certain in this life are death and taxes." Just when I think I have my life figured out, the circumstances change.
I've learned not to hate change or fear it; In fact, I've even learned to appreciate the fact that life changes and that I have the ability to try and be an active part of that change, but it's still a little disconcerting. I remember a time not so long ago when I was so sure of my future. In a way I miss the security of that life. It was predictable; it was routine; it was calming. Sometimes I still get a little scared when I think of the future just because I have absolutely no idea where it will take me. At least now I know that even when something seems certain, good or bad, life has the ability to change it, and to an extent so do I.
I'm still learning, still reaching out for some certainty. God only knows where I'll end up. But at least I know that even if the only thing I find to be constant in life is change, I'll be ok.

Prince Charming

Being a kid was so great, no responsibility, no hurt that couldn't be fixed with a kiss, no worry of the future other than when I'd be old enough to go on the "big kids" ride. I wish I could go back, wish I could enjoy and appreciate it more than I did. I guess I thought growing up would be more simple, more pleasurable. When I was a little girl I imagined that my life would be like Aurora's in Sleeping Beauty (my favorite Disney movie). I would grow to be a beautiful, kind woman with, of course, an amazing singing voice that would entice my future true love. It's sad, but I firmly believed that I was a princess who had been "hidden" with an average family for my own safety. One day my prince would come and rescue me from my life. As I got older the view changed slightly. I knew I wasn’t a real princess, knew I wasn't the gorgeous, benevolent lady who had a gift for song. No, I was a brat, who struggled through a rather homely puberty and wrestled with her self-esteem. However, these things didn't discourage me. I wasn't a princess, but I still needed rescuing. My life was a mess, and maybe to an extent I made it that way, I wanted to have something to be rescued from. What I didn't understand was that there are already enough problems without making drama. Perhaps this is why women are so drawn to TV dramas, like bugs to a light. We want something to justify the fact that we NEED to be fought for, to be saved, even if it's only from ourselves. I can't lie and say that now that I've realized this I no longer want it. It's hard to give up something that's been ingrained in you since childhood. I want someone to come and take me in their arms and tell me that I don't need to be strong anymore, that I can let it all out. Is it wrong of me to want this? Is it juvenile to believe that there's someone out there who will do this for me? Is this too much pressure, or asking a man to be too strong? To be honest, I don't know. I keep looking, keep searching....where's my prince charming?

Some lyrics to Pink's "Long Way to Happy" that I feel describe what I'm getting at:

Left my childhood behind
In a roll away bed
Everything was so damn simple
Now I'm losing my head
Trying to cover up the damage
And pad out all the bruises
Didn't know I had it
So it didn't hurt to lose it
Didn't hurt to lose it
No but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy