Life As I Know It

So much has happened to me since I last wrote. I wish I could be more consistent. However, it's does no good to lament, unless it leads to change, but, of course, humans are creatures of habit. We like what we know because even if the familiar hurts, it seems preferable to the uncertainty of change. I see this in my life a lot. I've recently realized that these ups and downs, these cycles that I seem to go through don't just effect me personally, but they also effect those around me. I've known for a long time how I effect those younger than me, and I, therefore, always try to set a good example. I've even understood that adults and peers are influenced by my actions, but I never realized how much what I bring with me effects my own relationships. This sounds odd, yet it's true. I don't think I was really able to comprehend how much a relationship can be hurt by clinging to those habits that are familiar until now.
In my life I have had very poor examples of what a healthy, loving relationship should look like. I'm not using this as an excuse for my lack of success as a partner, but it does make it harder to aim when you've never been able to see the goal. In addition to this, I am by nature an introvert, which means that I tend to have a few people who I'm very close to and no one else. This also works against me in a relationship because I tend to put my eggs all in one basket. I find someone special and decide they're all I need. However, by doing this I end up placing a lot of unnecessary pressure on the individual since they are literally my end all, be all. Because I have made them everything that's important to me, my relationships tend to be serious, long, and absolutely devastating when they end.
My first relationship was very long and very immature, and sadly it is the habits I learned from that relationship that have stuck with me. I obsess about the other person and their feelings. I can't stand not being able to talk to them. I will do anything for them including things that are degrading or hurtful to myself. So, I guess there are two problems: familiar bad habits and self esteem. Not to say that my self esteem is terrible, but I do place my good friends' and boyfriends' wants and needs above my own. I always thought that this meant I was selfless, but perhaps it just means that I feel I have little self worth. It's amazing to me that placing a boyfriend above myself can actually hurt a relationship more than help it. By devaluing myself I am pretty much saying that it's ok for others to devalue me as well. This is NOT ok. A relationship can only work when both people love and respect themselves as much as they love and respect their partner.
So, I guess I have some homework to do. I need to learn beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am just as valuable as any guy I am in a relationship with. I need to make sure I keep my friendships alive even when I am with someone, and I need to not place unnecessary stress on my partner because I have made them a demi-god in my life.

Maybe I shouldn't have written something so personal, but to be quite honest it's helping me sort out a lot of thoughts and emotions, and maybe it will help someone else realize those "oh so comfortable" familiar destructive habits they may have.