Monday, September 18, 2006

Getting Personal

You know, I've never really seen myself as a mushy, gushy, giggely type of girl. I've always figured that I'm more of the outdoor-sie type...horse back riding, swimming, skiing, and the like. However, I'm beginning to wonder whether there's something lacking in my self-concept. I feel like no matter what situation I'm in I want the opposite. But it's not even wanting the opposite; it's more like pushing away from whatever I have. When things are bad I feel I have brought them on myself and I try to get away because if I'm to blame for everything, then it's truly too much to bear. However, when things are going well, I feel like I don't deserve it, or else that it's only a matter of time before it blows up in my face. It's frustrating. I feel that in a way this is what I did with Morris. I wouldn't even consider that my pushing away instinct was active in the break-up except that I'm doing it again. It's a repeating theme in my life. I don't trust anyone, not even myself. I just assume that I'll do the least damage by secluding myself, but I know this isn't the answer. I only tell people enough to let them feel close. I don't trust my own judgement, instead I see everyone as a threat....how sad is that? Being able to trust would make life easier (among other things). Why am I like this? Why do I always feel let down by others and myself? Why do I push away? I wish I knew.....*sigh*

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