Selfishness or Selflessness?

This life is so fickle. Most of you who are reading this know what I've been through in my life, maybe some of you know more than others, but there's still the overriding theme of bad situations, hard decisions, and life changing consequences (for the better or worse). If you know me at all, then you also know I tend to be an open book. I think I sometimes scare people with how open I am. The honesty can be unbearable I guess. To look at the world through my eyes, is to glimpse some of the hardest parts of the existence of humanity. Don't misunderstand me. I am not throwing a pity party. There are many others who have had it just as bad, if not worse than me, and are still surviving, perhaps even thriving, loving life. I still have an additional step of maturity to take before I can get to really and truly loving life, but I don't hate it either. Life is, to an extent, what you make it. Chance and fate gives you good and bad; no one can judge you by what is inherently given to you, but judgment may be made on how you handle what is given you. More often than not this judgment is made on essentially the motivation behind the action: was it done out of selfishness or selflessness?
My experience, though, has been that this logic is faulty. For one thing it excludes the fact that on occassion an action may appear to be done out of one, when, in fact, it is the complete opposite. How many movies show that one manipulative character who appears at a time to be doing something out of pure selflessness, when we, the audience, know that said action is really furthering some selfish end which is unbeknownst to the other characters? For instance (although I must say this is a crude example) in She's All That the popular guy helps a geeky girl (seems completely selfless, right?) except the only reason he befriends her is because he wants to win a monetary bet (seems pretty selfish now doesn't it?)
Barring the fact that the interpretation of an action is out of alignment with its true motivation, we come to much more conflicting issue. Although many purport to back unselfish actions as virtuous, their daily lives say otherwise. I must admit that I am a victim of this as well. My intentions are good, but most of the things I do are to further my own ends (ex. my happiness) and not that of another. Therefore these actions may be called selfish. However, where do we draw the line between the two? If I believe that helping the poor is a selfless act, and that anything that prevents me from doing such, in as much as it satisfies myself and not the poor, is selfish, then I may say that I should do nothing other than helping the poor (unless of course there is some greater good that I could be doing for humanity). But the world cannot function under such a maxim for the simple reason that we would have no educated, because of course an individual’s education (the time, money, etc) would take away from that which an individual could offer to the poor. You see? Everyone draws a line, where somehow invisibly the selfish becomes perhaps not more moral, but more practical.
I guess I'm trying to define this line for myself. It's difficult, but then nothing worthwhile in this life is easy. I wish to please others, help others, be in essence a selfless person, but I'll get to the point where it actually affects my health because I leave no time for myself. How do I know when practicality out weighs morality?

Getting Personal

You know, I've never really seen myself as a mushy, gushy, giggely type of girl. I've always figured that I'm more of the outdoor-sie type...horse back riding, swimming, skiing, and the like. However, I'm beginning to wonder whether there's something lacking in my self-concept. I feel like no matter what situation I'm in I want the opposite. But it's not even wanting the opposite; it's more like pushing away from whatever I have. When things are bad I feel I have brought them on myself and I try to get away because if I'm to blame for everything, then it's truly too much to bear. However, when things are going well, I feel like I don't deserve it, or else that it's only a matter of time before it blows up in my face. It's frustrating. I feel that in a way this is what I did with Morris. I wouldn't even consider that my pushing away instinct was active in the break-up except that I'm doing it again. It's a repeating theme in my life. I don't trust anyone, not even myself. I just assume that I'll do the least damage by secluding myself, but I know this isn't the answer. I only tell people enough to let them feel close. I don't trust my own judgement, instead I see everyone as a threat....how sad is that? Being able to trust would make life easier (among other things). Why am I like this? Why do I always feel let down by others and myself? Why do I push away? I wish I knew.....*sigh*

This weekend

Fun times with my friends! From left to right: Janna, Kayla, Michelle, me, and Megan.

This weekend was the first since school started that I stayed in town, and I am so glad I did. Saturday night was a blast. I had so many people over at my place laughing, playing games, eating pizza...you know, the typical college stuff. However more importantly, this weekend I was, for the first time in a long time, completely happy. At around about one in the morning all the guys left and the girls started getting ready for bed. I felt like a little girl at a sleep over as I sat on my bed listening to the stories of life lessons and (of course) boys. We stayed up so late that we ended up only gettting about three hours of sleep, but it was worth it. That night when we finally did go to bed I stayed up thinking for a while. I was so scared to move down here, so afraid I wouldn't make real friends, wouldn't live up to my expectations, wouldn't find someone who would understand me. I realized something as I thought about all those old worries: that if you don't open yourself up to the possibility of pain, then you will never be able to find happiness. I took a huge leap of faith coming to Waco, and an even bigger one when I opened up my heart to new friendships. On Sunday we all hung out and I got to talking with Jeremy. What a cool guy! I was encouraged by the fact that despite being terribly hurt by guys, I am beginning to trust them again. I have had a lot of tests this week, a lot of stress, but having people there for me makes all the difference. I'm finally getting to experience college, for all its ups and downs, fun times and stressors, loves and hates. It's liberating. I'm once again passionate about life and can't wait to see what happens next!

PS - for those of you interested...I made the equestrian team! I was the first walk-on asked; in fact, the coach was so impressed that she wanted me to scrimmage with the team the day after my try-out!

Confessions of a Burn Victim

Ok...time to be honest (this is not to say that I haven't been honest up to this point, it's just that I haven't gotten personal). It's time for me to spill. I've been strong; I've had to be strong for the past 9 or 10 months. I haven't asked for any hand-outs, haven't begged for someone to hold me; I haven't even complained about it. But it's time people heard what I have to say; it's time to realize that I am a human being too, rational and emotional just like everyone else.The first point that I want to address is that I, just like everyone else, make mistakes. Whether those are big or small, they are a learning process. However, I fail to see the connection of me "learning" by being lectured about my mistake by people who hardly know me and who are not at all involved in my situation. In doing this, they themselves are making several mistakes. Number one, they are assuming that their words, and not the consequences of my actions, will lead me to admit my mistake. Secondly they believe that through their lecture the mistake will somehow be rectified, which, unless they are mentally ill, they should know that no one can take back what has happened in the past. Third, they are under the false pretense that even if their little scheme works and I have some amazing epiphany of how incridibly right they always seem to be (despite their uninvolvement) and how wrong I obviously am, that I will cry and appologize profusely. Most people become defensive when others dwell on sensative issues and there is no reason to appologize to someone who hasn't been hurt. Lastly, there is no reason for an already emotionally confusing event to become more so due to someone's need to "speak up." There is no way to justify getting more people invloved than the immediate, ones unless it is one person to mediate between the two, and this person should be completely unbiased and patient in order to better the understanding of the situation and help the immediate people involved come to a resolution. Ultimately the only thing these "lecturers" are doing is making the accused feel defensive, which in turn makes him or her less willing to appologize to the party that has actually suffered. I do not understand how their side can be rationally defended nor do I understand how they can act on such a whim and expect a better out come than what they get.
The second point I want to make is that I am the only person who can honestly judge my actions, since I alone know my motivations and desires. Therefore, it stands to reason that I, and I alone, can call something a "mistake." Others have no right to pass judgment on me, less they be judged in return. I do not sit around with my measuring stick and see who passes my inspections of righteousness, goodness, morality, and the like. Because every person is a unique individual with unique experiences, it would be hypocritical of me to measure anyone against my standards, which obviously have evolved from my life and not theirs. In the same way, it is wrong, let me say that again, WRONG for anyone to measure me by their standards. I don't pretend to understand what they have gone through in life, and they shouldn't pretend to understand me or my circumstances either.
Lastly I would like to touch on friendship, or should I say the lack thereof. The only way we can really know a man's character is by placing him in a situation where his wants and desires are opposite to his duty as a husband, employee, or..hhmmm...friend. If he is loyal to his duty, placing his own happiness temporarily aside, then he is of good moral fider. However, if he chooses his own desires over that of his duties he is self-seeking. I understand that sometimes one must draw the line, but to have only one test of friendship and not pass is a testament to who (not what) one is really committed. It is sad to me that so many of the most intelligent, supposedly most rational college age students that attend schools of Ivy League callibur, refuse to use simple logic skills when it comes to personal relationships. It speaks volumes to what type of people they really are.
To sum this up, I have been burned, then chastised for being burned, then left because I had all the scars of a burn victim. Seems unfair? Probably because it was. I haven't said a word till now, and after this I will never say another word about it.