Blarg!

Do you ever have one of those days where everything you do you think "blarg"? Well, maybe not that word exactly, but you get my point. I feel like I have been stuck in a "blarg" day for the past six months of my life. I wake up and automatically think "Why do I have to get up?" Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want to get up...it's just that I want to have something to get up for. I've been wondering lately about what drives me as a person, what inspires me. I think it used to be my competitive nature. I don't know why but there's always been something inside of me saying "You can be better than (fill in the blank)." Not that this was or is healthy, but I always knew it was present in the back of my mind no matter how small the situation was. This would occasional drive me to become a better person, but more often than not it would drive me to tears of frustration. When I could become better than the other person it became an immature game, and I could always hear myself silently taunting "I'm better than you are." Wow! It sounds so much worse written out like that than I used to think it was. But then when there was nothing I could do to become better and I would hit a brick wall I would cry and cry, wondering why I was such a failure, why I could never be good enough. I think now that the only person I wasn't good enough for was myself.
I know I have ridiculously high standards for myself....higher than anyone else around me. Sometimes I still feel a little twinge of guilt when I hear of others who have accomplished so much more than I feel I ever have. I know that part of my competitiveness can be attributed to the environment in which I was raised, but certainly not all. I don't want to sound like I'm blame-shifting. I'm actually trying to be as honest as possible. I know that the majority of it is my fault, and that I have to take responsibility for my thoughts and actions rather than excusing them onto a third party. However, currently my need to compete has not been the issue. In fact, lately the issue has been complete and total passiveness towards everything in my life. Even if being competitive was a bad thing, at least it was a motivator, right? I feel so utterly uninspired, completely.........passionless. Sure I dabble in this and that in my waking hours to fill the time, but nothing has any significance to me any more. I must admit that I'm usually a fighter, but now if the smallest conflict arises I almost immediately dissolve into tears. I keep thinking that I wish the world would just take care of itself for once because I am sick and tired of facing it. The only times I feel anything these days is when sadness and loneliness come down upon me. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm sad and it's SO frustrating. I think a lot of the way I'm feeling stems from Madison's death. I guess it sounds stupid that an animal could have such an effect on me, but horses aren't like cats or dogs or any other animal I can think of. Every time you get on a horse you're trusting them with your life, but education about horses is another post. I guess for now I keep waiting for something inspirational that never seems to come. I keep waiting for something with purpose that's never there. I keep waiting for something to give me peace that can't be found. I keep waiting for Madison......but she's never there.